The following is a satirical article and is not actual news. The piece reflects the opinions of the author and not the Weddington Witness as an organization. To see our real article on the coronavirus click here.

All was proceeding as planned; the flu was on their annual global tour with what can only be described as a mediocre turnout. It had become fairly clear that the flu was starting to lose traction, leaving people craving for something new and exciting, and that’s exactly what they’re getting.

“I never really expected to blow up overnight as I did, I thought I would stay local but I’m already spreading all around the globe!” That was 2019-nCoV, or as you probably know them, the 2019 Novel Coronavirus (Coronavirus for Short). This is our interview with them.

Where are you from?

“Well, I started out in a little-known market in Wuhan, China. The people there are great, shout out to all my Wuheads! That’s what I call then, they’ve been there since Day 1. I really owe all of my success to that town. I had been performing locally in that market for a few weeks, and finally, some tourists started noticing me and bringing my work to people around the globe. I am incredibly grateful.”

The Flu has been going big for a while, and is even experiencing a rise in popularity. Why do you think that people have started paying more attention to you instead?

“That’s a fantastic question really, I honestly am not entirely sure. Frankly, I’m not as good as the flu, they’ve got a greater transmission rate and infect more people yearly, I can’t even think of doing that much! Anyways, my best guess is that the people were getting tired of the same old flu every year. It’s especially crazy that I’ve only infected 11 people in the U.S. and the whole country is talking about me, I feel so honored.”

What’re your big plans going into the future?

“I’ve really accomplished all that I wanted to, I think I may go into retirement. Of course I plan on making my rounds before then but it’s really been draining creatively and emotionally. Maybe I’ll do something like Ebola and only come around every 20 years or so, but overall I don’t really plan on making yearly appearances like the flu. I don’t know how he does it; I could never maintain that high of a death and infection rate every year, you should talk to -”

At this point, health workers stormed our newsroom vying for interviews with Coronavirus, So we decided to fill the rest of this article with some basic statistics for the 3 of our readers that care. 

• States with confirmed cases of Coronavirus: California, Arizona, Massachusetts, Washington, and Illinois
• First contraction was by a market worker, suggesting animal to person transmission, though healthcare professionals have yet to confirm if the Virus can transmit this way.
• Transmits similarly to the flu, by respiratory droplets via coughing and sneezing

The best way to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus and any disease is to wash your hands frequently and stay at home while you are sick.